You Can't Make This Stuff Up

Directly from our small town police beat:

Fraud - A 34-year-old man contacted police on Saturday at 1:40 p.m. and reported that he ordered a mail order bride named Natalia from Russia and she was supposed to arrive at his home in the 400 block of XYZ Street to marry him, but she did not show up.

The nerve! The wedding was supposed to be at 1:00, and now the ice sculptures have melted in the 90-degree heat and the string quartet has another gig at 2:00. Poor guy, now he's never going to see his return on investment for that augmentation surgery she said she needed to fit into her wedding gown.

Animal - A woman in the 100 block of XYZ Street reported Wednesday afternoon there were baby rabbits in her yard with no mother rabbit around to care for them. The woman asked police to do something, but was advised to let nature take its course.

I wonder if she worries about those lonely earthworms on the driveway too?

Breaking and Entering - On Thursday morning at 1:59 a.m., a 21-year-old woman reported a male subject attempted to break into her apartment on XYZ Drive through the patio door. The subject was chased away by the woman's boyfriend before entry could be gained. Two hours later, the boyfriend called police after locating the subject in the woods. An altercation ensued, and the boyfriend reported the subject was now likely to have some missing teeth and a broken nose.

Crime solved? = No. Ass kicked? = Affirmative.

All identities have been changed, except for that hussie Natalia, who totally deserves to be called out.